So why did you leave am gyspy
Took a break from life to find answers. I had a habit of avoiding the past and trying to run toward the future but somehow the past got ahead of me and I started tripping. So I’m here to get rid of that heavy feeling I was walking around with, I guess I’m looking for mental freedom :)
I love the ocean.
I’m probably happiest when I’m in a large body of water. But it can be a very scary place.
Waves sometimes like to show you their strength. They push and pull you under. Cover you, smother you. There are times when I’m hit with overwhelming fear, when I’m under a wave, tumbling, unaware of which way is up, which way is out. And when I find a chance to take a breath of air, I’m dragged down by another wave.
It’s in this moment that I’ve learned to find calmness. Sometimes as it’s happening I wonder if that’s it. If that’s the day I’m going to die. I relax my muscles and let the ocean bruise me. I love it so much I can’t possibly be mad. If it were to take my life one day..well it wouldn’t be such a terrible place to die.
But you don’t have to be near an ocean to be dragged down by a wave. You don’t have to be in water to drown.
I’m suffocating. It’s heavy. I’ve been swallowed by a wave, it’s holding me down. I’m gasping for air, pleading for help as I’m dragged across the ocean floor, punched and kicked.
I’m inhaling the ocean, I can’t breath, I’m choking. The salty water is pouring out of my eyes, it never seems to end. Have I the whole sea inside of me? When will I run dry? When will this end? Where is the calm? This isn’t the ocean. The bottom was a lot harder when I hit it this time, I’m on fucking land. This isn’t where I want to be.
i’m not dying, something is dying inside of me. I’m drowning and I can’t relax my muscles. I’m holding on to anything I can. My finger nails crack and bleed from gripping so tight, but I can’t seem to let it go. The stench of our death brings the sharks and they choose to feed slowly.
"This situation leaves me out of breath"
It’s time to let go.
You don’t have to say much, I torture myself. No one makes me sadder than me.
I think the scariest thing about it being over is that I now have to spend all that time thinking about my own troubles rather than you and yours.